TROJAN
TIRADE
Volume VII, Issue 2,
February-March 2007
http://www.trojantirade.org/
Fine Print: The Trojan Tirade contains
satire, which may be unsuitable for sociopaths; critical thinking, which may be
unsuitable for bigots; and facts, which may be unsuitable for school
administrators.
Header quote: “No good deed goes unpunished.”
Missing from the paper version: Fold-It-Yourself.
Coke,
X, and Other Happy Things
By Claire Watne
Wayzata High School, like most high schools,
has a drug problem. The two arrests made on the day with “increased police presence”
raised the issue. I have a friend who knows someone who was in a class with the
best friend of someone who got arrested that day, so I know how serious this
issue was, and how close to home it hits. The thing is, though, that even
though I knew that it’s common, I didn’t know how common. I have never seen any
statistics for drug use at WHS. I’ve seen nation-wide, state-wide, and
metro-wide surveys, but never anything just for Wayzata.
Since
I’m the editor of the Trojan Tirade, and it’s up to us to make the difference
that’s needed (or get information that’s needed out there), I decided to do
something. A simple, two-question survey was handed out to a total of 100
random students, and 61 were received back. Question #1 was “I could get the
following drugs easily, within 24 hours…” and Question #2 was “I have used the
following drugs within the past 30 days…”
The
following percentages are the number of “yes” answers to the questions about
each of the mentioned drugs.
|
Drug |
Q. 1 |
Q. 2 |
|
Alcohol |
100% |
74% |
|
Marijuana |
93% |
52% |
|
Cocaine |
46% |
8% |
|
Hallucinogens |
57% |
15% |
|
Pills |
75% |
23% |
|
Meth |
5% |
0% |
|
Heroin |
8% |
0% |
|
Speed |
3% |
2% |
|
DXM |
5% |
2% |
Only
18% of those surveyed were completely clean, without any drug use.
Besides the two-week chemical dependency unit
in 10th grade health, and the inspiring videos in Advisory I
am not aware of preventative
measures being done here. There are police present, and we all
know about the locker and car searches, but what what’s being done preventatively?
If I am mistaken, and there are programs like that, then the
advertising crew is slacking. I don’t think any programs will change a lot, but
since Wayzata is known for its ecstasy use, it would be nice to know that
something was trying to be done about it.
It's a good thing that Wayzata students know the serious ramifications
that come with drug use. You know, the brains splattered across pavement
because you drove drunk, and jumping out of windows because you're stoned.
Don't get me wrong, the occasional social beer is fine, but wait until your
brain is fully developed. Keep in mind, the brain isn't fully developed until
about age 24.
The
earlier you use chemicals, the more likely you are to become an addict later in
life. Someone who starts drinking at 14-15 is four times more likely to become
an alcoholic later in life, than someone who starts drinking in adulthood.
Think
about it. And remember all those brains splattered across the pavement. That
could be you. «
Limitations of the study
include the statistical randomization of surveyed. Only one table of students
refused to participate.
Of Tyranny and Hats
By Cheny Luo
So
today, when I went to the absurd waste of time known non-colloquially as
"advisory", someone asked me, "What do you think should be
changed about the school?"
You don't ask the
editor of the Tirade that kind of question without expecting a response. Open campus lunches, for one. And repeal the stupid
zero-tolerance rule - "zero tolerance" is just another way of saying
"thinking rationally about whether or not a student should be expelled is
too much work, let's just expel him/her". Not to mention the "no
fighting back" rule. And let's replace some of the less scrupulous
administrators. And the hat thing. Why aren't we
allowed to wear hats?
Back
when Wayzata High School was located where Central Middle School currently is,
we didn't have a "no hats" policy and we did have an open campus.
"Well, I'm sure there are reasons for it," the aforementioned person
said. "Maybe it's a respect thing. You should respect teachers by not
wearing hats."
Excuse
me? Are you sure you're talking about the English word 'respect' I'm thinking
of? Because I don't remember anything involving forcing
people to do things. Quite the contrary.
Perhaps the most well-respected man in the history of
the United States was none other than George Washington, the man who insisted
to be referred to as "Mr. President" as opposed to "Super
Ultimate Supreme Exalted President of the United States of America". He
demanded the respect of no one, and so he received the respect of everyone.
Or
consider instead a tyrant such as Stalin, whose power depends solely on
establishing his superiority to his subjects. He demands respect from his subjects,
if you will. And although he may believe all his subjects respect him, in
reality none truly do.
If you try to force
students to respect you, I think it's quite clear whom you have more in common
with. And if you decide that maybe, just maybe, the teachers you speak of will
receive more respect if you don't force students to take off their hats, well,
hats off to you. «
The
Purveyors: Next Year’s Classes Edition
By Cheny Luo and Chris Heffner
A week ago (maybe more, depending on when the
editorial staff actually get around to printing this), YOU (yes you!) decided
what classes you get to take next year. Juniors, will you take Mo Pro, or will
you take Mo Pro? Freshmen, will you succumb to peer pressure
and take Health, or will you take Health in a defiant gesture against the
school administration?
Whatever you decided to choose, the Purveyors
will be right there alongside you, chastising you for making stupid decisions.
Freshmen (our review board says it’s not nice
to call you “freshies”): whatever you do, do not
listen to the rumors about AP Euro. Despite the fact that everything “they” say
is completely true, well... blood stains are easier to get out of clothes than
you'd think.
Sophomores, next year will be AP US History
for many of you. Some of you will get Mr. Miles, the best teacher in existence.
Some of you will not. We are not implying anything about Mr. Junker (who is in
fact quite a kind guy) at all whatsoever.
Juniors, you get to be seniors next year. You
inherit a grave responsibility to slack off. Your duty to uphold the ideals of
senioritis cannot be simply brushed off. Remember: If you start Task 3 two days
before it’s due, you’re an overachiever.
New classes this year include Chinese 1 and
Chinese 2. Although you have to adapt to a new character system,
single-syllable words, and inflections that change meaning, the class goes at a
fairly slow pace, so you don’t need to worry about falling behind.
New classes next year include Asian studies.
No one’s taken it yet (time machine technology is sorely lacking), so you
should change that. You could have the privilege of contributing to next year’s
Purveyors: What Classes Are Worth Taking Edition.
AP Literature has the dubious distinction of
being the class with the most homework. For those of you who like homework,
this is the class for you! For those of you who are
human, read on.
AP Comp Sci, on the
other hand, is now a business course, as opposed to a math course, as it is in
all colleges. It is also no longer taught by Mr. Kilkelly.
Mr. Kilkelly says
he agrees with this decision, but we don’t. He says he thinks that there are
better people for teaching AP Comp Sci than himself.
We don’t mean to offend anyone by saying this, but there aren’t (the preceding
two words represent a lot of effort to avoid offending anyone).
On the upside, we now have a class so cool
it’s beyond AP, namely, Linear Algebra. This class is the one you take
after AP Calc, and since CollegeBoard doesn’t go that
far in math, it isn’t an AP class. It’ll really impress whatever college
you’re applying to.
The Purveyors is usually an advice column
(you know, like “Dear Purveyors, I keep on getting C’s, what should I do?
Answer: Slack off more. –The Purveyors”). Of course,
once in a while, we do regular articles if we’re needed. The Purveyors may or
may not be back to an advice column by next issue, but, either way, send your
questions to purveyors@trojantirade.org .
I’ll
Ski Ski If I Flippin’ Want
To!
By Claire Watne
The recent banning of school Superfan shirts brought to my attention the numerous First
Amendment violations here at Wayzata High School. “Aw ski ski,”
referring to “Oh skeet skeet skeet”
of “Get Low” is simply and solely a non-sequitur, and the fact that this slogan
was on the back of a skiing Superfan shirt
only makes the banning seem more pointless. “We’re flippin’
cute” being a euphemism for the F word is not only a non-sequitur, but it also
has another meaning—you know, the one that they
actually meant. What do gymnasts do? They FLIP! What’s the point of living in a
free country if we do not know our rights and do not stand up for ourselves
when they’re violated?
Being the almighty protector of students’
rights (i.e. Tirade Editor), I took it upon myself (and someone else) to do
something about this injustice. (Okay, so it was ten people.) We distributed a
total of 60 shirts with “WAYZATA! Just flippin’ ski!”
on the front, and “BAN THIS” on the back. It was not
the splash we were hoping for, but it was enough.
The
day of the distribution, with 60 of us walking around, we heard nothing about
the banning, or even recognition of these shirts by the administration.
Disappointed, we came to school the next day. A teacher, who will remain
nameless, told me that an e-mail had gone out to ALL the staff at WHS and they
were told not to acknowledge the shirts.
Now,
if they were told to send every one of us wearing them to the office, and we
were told to go home, and change, or we were all suspended, what would have
happened? Because there was NOTHING on those shirts that was inappropriate for
school—even by their standards, we would have taken it to the superintendent,
then to the district, and then whoever was above them until we got justice. We
even had a pro-bono lawyer on hand, just in case (one of our parents [it
literally pays to live in Wayzata]).
By not acknowledging our presence, they were
giving up. Now, that may seem like a non-sequitur on our part, but how can that
be when I’ve seen the Skiing Superfan shirts all over
lately? The day after that, I saw about four of them. None of them had the back
covered up, and when I asked all of them if they had been stopped by a teacher,
the unanimous answer was: “no.”
So, congratulations, Wayzata! We showed the
administration that we know our rights, that we won’t leave them at the door,
and that we WILL fight for them. We won. «
Lunch
By Insert Pen Name Here
Ah, the wonders of themed lunch days. Where
we toast to the red, white, and blue on “Meals Across
America” day and honor our Hawaiian heritage by indulging in Mahi Mahi Chicken (which looks
suspiciously like coagulated vomit smothered in gravy). Themed lunch days:
where racial slurs and stereotypes are magnified ten-fold. Where the entire
student body unites and says "Thank God I’m not Asian…I’d never eat that". Now, I don’t mind the
school trying to force students to eat what they consider more "culturally
diverse" foods like…New York Apple Pie (that butter crumb topping sure is
daring!) But, I need to stop this lunch trend before the school does themed
days like these:
1. Celebrate Minnesota Day! Included: Corn on the cob, cornbread, corn hash, and a hot dog.
2. Celebrate Starving African
Children Day! Included: Nothing. Absolutely
nothing.
3. Celebrate New Orleans Day! Included: Grits, and fried catfish. Also, a shingle from
that hurricane ravaged house in the Lower Ninth Ward! BONUS: Free Mardi Gras beads if you flash a lunch lady!
4. Celebrate Authentic Japanese
Day! Included: Greasy fried turkey giblets smothered in "Famous Dave’s
Sweet & Tangy" and sugar cookies in the shape of sashimi.
5. Celebrate the Holidays Day!
Included: Chicken nuggets in the shape of Jesus, burger patties shaped like Kinaras, and your choice of a free Yarmulke or a Buddha
action figure. We didn’t miss any religions did we?
6. Celebrate White Supremacy Day! Included: Whitefish, mashed potatoes, mozzarella cheese, and skim
milk. Please note: overalls, a southern drawl, and an I.Q. of 70 or less
are required to enter.
Don’t take this the wrong way, though. I’m not encouraging rebellion
against school lunch. I’m not saying anyone should stop loving the infamous “Gyro
with Fixings” or stop eating the “Teriyaki Chicken Breast Sandwich” just
because it’s not 100% authentic. Just try to remember that authentic foods
from other cultures exist outside the walls of jai—I mean, Wayzata High School.
If you’ve never had good sushi, good Chinese (and I’m not talking Grand
Buffet), or good Mexican not encased in a "Spice Up The
Night" wrapper, get out and try it. Try something new, experience
something different, and for heaven's sake, eat your Gyro already. «
Your Horoscope For Today
By Chris Heffner, astrologer certified by
the Center for Realistic Astrological Practices
Aries: Okay, so, this one time, this guy was
walking down the street towards a bar. The guy sees a clown, and thinks,
"Hey, that was a clown." Then he goes into a bar and says,
"I saw a clown." So the bartender says, "Oh, is that
so?" Get it? "That"! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Taurus: Here are the answers to all of your
questions, in order (trust me): Yes. No. No. No. Voiced
uvular fricative. Definitely not. Yes. Yes. Maybe. No.
No. 283. Yes. Yes. Evan Bayh.
Gemini: Keep an eye on your family relationships
today. They may change, in an upwards or downwards direction. After
all, your family is probably important to you, just like 99.7% of the known
world. Don't you feel reaaaaaaal special?
Cancer: Alas, your great-great-great-great-great
grandfather died long ago, yet no one has yet informed you of this terrible
calamity. However, you do not have any
great-great-great-great-grandchildren, but their
great-great-great-great-great-grandparent is currently alive.
Leo: You are devilishly handsome sly dog who can
have any girl he wants. When you walk through the halls, girls melt on
your feet like several hot melting things. When you grow up, you
will have an attractive, intelligent wife and two clever sons, and will be the
greatest Vice-President the world has ever known. Congratulations, Chris
Heffner Leo, you are one hot stud muffin.
Virgo: OMG, your
a Virgo? Wow lolz. Thats
soooo funny cuz I know this
one guy whos, liek, a Vrigoo and he is, liek, all like
sloppy and stuff but aren't viggoes supposed to be, liek, neat? Um ya I don't
get it. Anyway did u know that Vgro is the
VIRGIN? Well now u no! lol
Libra: Earlier today, or perhaps even earlier this
week, you somehow obtained a large (unfolded) piece of paper with the
words "Trojan Tirade" printed prominently on the front. And, in the
past few minutes, you have happened upon an article labeled
"Horoscopes", and you are either intrigued, skeptical, or none of the
above.
Scorpio: Pluto has been moving through your second
house lately. Boy, I hope you have some real good homeowners' insurance,
because not all insurance companies cover ex-planets bowling through
houses. Check your policy just to make sure.
Sagittarius: Today, the planets tell me you will wake up
on either the wrong or right side of the bed. You will eat cereal/a bagel/a
waffle/another baked good/nothing for breakfast, and will thus arrive at school
hungry/full. Am I all seeing or what?
Capricorn: Capricorn is reputed to be the sign of the
'See Goat'. The meaning of this will be made much more clear this week,
as you see goat after goat parading through the halls of Wayzata.
Unfortunately non-Capricorns have trouble distinguishing the goats from
freshmen, and will thus think you have some sort of goat-seeing mental
disorder.
Aquarius: When the Mooon is
in the seventh house... and Jupiter aligns with Maaars...
then peaaace will guide the plaaneets...
and looove will steer the stars! However, this
is not the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, so you can hit the snooze button as
much as you want this morning.
Pisces: Your birthday has happened recently, is
coming up very quickly, or is happening now. Happy birthday!
Remember, your birthday (or "solar return" as we call it in the
astrology biz) marks the passage of one more year closer to your death. I
hope you eat a lot of cake!
Authors
/ Editors / Other Stuff No One Cares About
The Tirade’s editors are Cheny Luo [11th],
Claire Watne [11th], and Chris Heffner [11th].
Writers include the editors and a lot of
people who wish to be anonymous.
Benefactors include no one except the above,
as of right now. It costs a ridiculously large amount that we do not know at
the time of this typing (but is around $120) to make this many copies, and I can’t pay all of it… Donate if you can.
Our website is at: http://www.trojantirade.org/
It ends in .org, so it MUST be good! But, seriously,
visit it, we have a lot of cool stuff there.
You can also e-mail us or submit articles to
this e-mail address: editors@trojantirade.org.